warmbeachbrat (warmbeachbrat) wrote,

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Dreams are funny things....

I've been having weird dreams over the past few months (what else is new?). The dreams are never the same, but there is a recurring theme that has me a bit unsettled. Or discombobulated. Or a trifle depressed. Or maybe all of the above. There's always a guy. Never the same guy and I couldn't tell you what any of them looked like. I guess that's part of the dream. And he's always...interested. At first anyway. There is a certain amount of physicality--holding hands, putting his arm around me; once I even remember being kissed. But then...nothing. The interest dies the guy leaves and I remain...frustrated? Let down? Rejected? Yes, all of those. I wake up and I'm restless for most of the day. And the dreams seem to stick with me for a while--or at least the mood of the dream does. I don't like it and it's not very helpful for me right now. The dreams aren't nightmares, of course. But when I wake up I do feel a little tortured. Or emotionally battered.

Now if I were in a psychoanalyzing mood (or just plain psycho?), I'd say that my subconscious was trying to let me know that I'm unhappy being single--especially at my age. But--I'm not really. It's nice to be able to do what I want, when I want, however I want--without checking in with someone or running it by someone or worrying about what someone might think. If I want that piece of Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake, well then...YUM! If I want to buy that Lego Auto Chassis...

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...that cost $90, well, I will (even if it did burn up in the fire :( ). And if I want to drive four hours to the ocean, I'll do that, too. And if I decide a trip down the Oregon Coast is just the thing to satisfy a little wanderlust, that's fair game also. I don't have to let anyone know. I don't have anyone to tell me I can't.

Of course, that's not necessarily a good thing. With no check on my behavior, I can become as eccentric as possible. I can blow my budget, develop even worse habits than I already have, and become something of a hermit. Although--with my faith and with the friends and relatives that I have, I'm not going to go off the deep end any time soon.

But...I was talking to my daughter the other day. I don't know quite how it came up, but I said that I didn't feel that I was worth any guy. And I realized that I've been pretty damaged by the past few relationships that I've had. No relationship, no pain has been my mode of operation for the past decade and a half. Most of the time, I don't care--it's far easier being on my own. Plus, I don't like to give up control, not even a little. Or lay myself open for a boatload of hurt. But, if I'm honest, it does sting a little (okay--a lot!). I guess it's just something I have to come to terms with now and again. Hopefully, the dreams will die down, and I won't feel so...whatever it is I feel.

Oh well--enough whining for now....
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